Sieben on Life: Post-Pandemic Plans (The Sieben Family Guide)
My family and I have taken this global-viral-pandemic situation quite seriously. It’s been six months since we’ve done any of the following: entered a grocery store, eaten in a restaurant, been around more than three other people at one time (socially-distanced with masks on, of course), gotten a haircut, left town—we’ve basically been holed up in our house since early March trying to convince our kids that comedies from the ’80s are better than anything on Disney+ (it’s not working). That being said, we’re all itching to spread our wings once this pandemic is in our rearview mirror, and I’ve been making a list of things I’m totally going to do once it’s safe to do so. Curious? Catch a glimpse.
Spend an entire day inside a movie theater drinking way too much root beer and peeing in an empty milk jug… Find a vintage video arcade and blow $50 playing Dig Dug and smoking dirt weed out of a corncob pipe… Hit up my favorite local Tex-Mex spot (La Posada), eat a full plate of bean-and-cheese nachos, chug three micheladas and take a nap under the table… Disrupt a game of ultimate frisbee in the park by doing fake Tai Chi in the middle of the field while wearing my wife’s bathrobe… Go to the mall and pour a cherry Slurpee over the second-floor railing onto some unsuspecting nerds below, then scarf some pizza… Invite all my enemies over to the house to try my “homebrew,” but really just serve them old hot-dog water with brown food coloring added…
Crash a wedding and interrupt the ceremony with a T-shirt cannon and a jambox blasting Ghostface Killah… Buy tickets to a music festival, attend the event for about five minutes and then remember that I hate music festivals. Go home and listen to Paul Simon records in my living room while burning some Nag Champa… Get a red hot chili pepper tattoo on my ankle. Not the band—just a little spicy boy below my sock-line to remind me to be badass whenever possible… Start a sentence with the phrase, “Remember when Trump was president…” If that’s not possible, I suppose I’ll just add “Do some Canadian shit” to this list… —Michael Sieben
Artwork by Michael Sieben