Humanity Discovers New Planet to DestroyJuxtapoz // Wednesday, 07 Dec 2011
Galactic menace "Humankind" (what's so KIND about ecological devastation, any way??) recently discovered a new planet to fuck up beyond all recognition. Local frat bro Jarrett Bryce said of the new, potentially habitable planet, "I want to put my BALLS all over that shit bro. Teabag that bitch."
Kepler-22b is 600 light years from Earth, but earth scientists are intent on getting there and "raping the shit out of that dumb rock." NASA spokesman Carla Friedrichs told reporters: "This big dumb planet is just hanging out there, plain as day, asking for a mass colonization project and mining mission. 70 degrees, probaby teeming with microbial life, who knows what rich ecosystems we could despoil. I can't wait to get over there and start fucking that shit up."
Kepler-22b is roughly 2.4 the size of earth. "More to ruin, bro," shouted President Barack Obama, guzzling a whole six pack of Coors® all at once while punching an Occupy DC protester in the face with his other hand. Astrophysicist Rolf Jenkinson of Sweden's Stockholm University echoed the President's sentiments. "This big fat ass hunk of Humanity-bait is right smack in the middle of the Goldilocks zone. I.e., habitable as shit. And if any stupid motherfucking bears come home, we are the absolute best at annihilating bears. Our rep around the galaxy is 'Genocidal Maniacs.' You don't earn that distinction overnight." Jenkinson proceeded to take a huge rip off a gravity bong then giggled like a fucking jaggoff. "I'm so fucking high, man," he added.
Residents of the surrounding Kepler-22 system are less than pleased about the prospect of visitors from Earth. "Oh holy fucking Khreisst, this is abominable news. These hominids are the plague of the universe. If they come here, we're all doomed. Guess it's time to militarize our highly advanced, peace-loving society which has lived without conflict for 50 millennia," said Zlargos Pi'Qtikl of Zmarffalonius VI, throngs of weeping Zmarffalonian children gathered at his feet, having just encountered the concept of violence for the first time in their harmonious little lives.
A resident of neighboring system Smorf'Mox XII, Porc Jimpman, was less conciliatory. "We are going to send a mission to Earth and obliterate those oxygen-guzzling cancers RIGHT FUCKING NOW before they can spread their plague across the universe. Let's roll."